Hilarious Classified Adverts
These are a few of the more unusual classified adverts for random things that have been doing the rounds on Gumtree. Check them out, their worthy of a good ole chuckle.
Jilted Boy (33) seeks sexy female escort for awkward family gathering
Sourced: Gumtree London
I have to attend a family gathering next Wednesday which I simply can't get out of. For various reasons my ex-girlfriend and her so-called hot new fella will also be present. In order to make the occasion more bearable I am looking for a sexy, young female escort to accompany me to this dreadful occasion. You should be between the age of 21 to 33, be good looking, sociable and have an innate ability to flirt madly with me whenever my ex is in the vicinity. It'd be great if you could dress sexily too.
The do kicks off at the Downs Crematorium (Bear Road, Brighton) at 15 00 hours on Wednesday 22nd. Oh yes, please wear black. I've checked out the cost of escorts and I can only afford £100. The service should last about 30 mins max, and it would be great if you could come with me to my auntie's house for about an hour after for cheese straws and sausage rolls, that will really show the ex! I guarantee there is no pressure on you to perform any hokey-panky unless you really want to. This is strictly a business thing.
Please send me a picture of yourself and a description, and I'll get right back to you. Thanks for reading this ad.
Evening all - Age 30
Sourced: Gumtree London
Hey there,
Q: What's got 500 legs and no pubic hair?
A: The front row at a Boyzone concert.
I am a 30 year old looking for someone who is a bit special. I am Danish but have lived in England for a while now. I am 6 foot 4, of medium build, have blue eyes and brown hair. I work in central London. I have a wicked sense of humour, am outgoing and love just having a laugh though I do have a serious side too. My interests are sports, socialising, travelling and reading about history.
Now what I am looking for:
You will be between 24 and 30, be able to hold a conversation but not talk when the footie is on the tele
. You will be a caring, loving person who is also intelligent and witty. I am not fussed about hair colour, eye colour etc but I prefer white woman.
So if you liked the joke and want to hear plenty more send me a mail
has anyone lost a roll of $50 dollar notes with a rubber band around them?
Sourced: Gumtree Sydney
I HAVE FOUND YOUR RUBBER BAND.
My horrible date
Sourced: Gumtree London
so i was waiting for a woman i had met online, on the gumtree of course, for drinks one evening in the city. she was late. i sat nervously, looking around me. maybe she was here already and spying on me. i hate that. which one was she? where would i sit if i were doing the same? but then she walked in. i instantly recognized her, and she, me. she walked up, smiling, offered me her hand and said, "im claire. sorry im lat. busy week at the office; im an accountant and this is the worst..."
i gabbed her arm firmly, pulled her down to her seat and hissed in her ear. "claire, we are surrounded by strangers! dont you think you could be a little more discreet?" she was puzzled, or pretended to be. so i explained how foolish it was to tell me, a stranger, what she did for a living, not to mention advertising it to the whole bar. and, i remember thinking to myself, not to mention the creepiness of such an inappropriate personal disclosure upon first meeting. what next? a description of her last orgasm? i shuddered inside.
we ordered some drinks and talked. i whispered with the appropriate caution; her conversational tone struck me as a bit too likely to be overheard, but i smiled and tried to ignore it. i felt sorry for her. id walk her to her car later to make sure no one followed her. she continued to offer intimate information, and to ask questions that made me feel uneasy. "do you have any brothers or sisters?". i vaguely alluded to sublings, but not to their genders, or even whether they were still alive. i do have siblings, but i have to protect them too. "what part of town do you live in?". i tried to stay calm. how could she ask that? was she a stalker? or just trying to gauge my wealth by my section of town? i felt like a hunted fox and a piece of meat, all at the same time. i felt bad about lying about what area i lived in. but what could i do?
then came the killer question.
those four awful words that revealed her for the person that she really was: WHAT...DO...YOU...DO? now at least i knew i would never go out on another date with this money grubbing whore again, who would risk my life by asking such a question in a public venue. i excused myself to go to the bathroom. discreetly paid the bill then snuck out the back way.
I moved to a different apartment that weekend. Just as a precaution.
Unusual Role-Play Fantasy
Sourced: Gumtree London
Hi there, I am trying to find a girl who is interested in role-playing. Basically my fantasy involves a girl coming over to my place, dressing up as bottle of talcum powder (costume provided) and letting me throw shoelaces at her from a large ladder. This will continue for one to two hours or until I run out of shoelaces. During the meeting feel free to speak to me, although be aware that I am unlikely to answer and will probably try and throw the shoelaces into your mouth when you do. There is nothing overtly sexual about the encounter and the only people there will be you, me and possibly my miniature falabella horse, Jub-Jub. After that you are free to leave and if you have enjoyed the experience we can arrange another date. If it really goes well I will let you keep all of the shoelaces that landed directly in your mouth. Sound good? Then get in contact.
Look forward to hearing from you
Regards
Ulrich
Jilted Boy (33) seeks sexy female escort for awkward family gathering
Sourced: Gumtree London
I have to attend a family gathering next Wednesday which I simply can't get out of. For various reasons my ex-girlfriend and her so-called hot new fella will also be present. In order to make the occasion more bearable I am looking for a sexy, young female escort to accompany me to this dreadful occasion. You should be between the age of 21 to 33, be good looking, sociable and have an innate ability to flirt madly with me whenever my ex is in the vicinity. It'd be great if you could dress sexily too.
The do kicks off at the Downs Crematorium (Bear Road, Brighton) at 15 00 hours on Wednesday 22nd. Oh yes, please wear black. I've checked out the cost of escorts and I can only afford £100. The service should last about 30 mins max, and it would be great if you could come with me to my auntie's house for about an hour after for cheese straws and sausage rolls, that will really show the ex! I guarantee there is no pressure on you to perform any hokey-panky unless you really want to. This is strictly a business thing.
Please send me a picture of yourself and a description, and I'll get right back to you. Thanks for reading this ad.
Evening all - Age 30
Sourced: Gumtree London
Hey there,
Q: What's got 500 legs and no pubic hair?
A: The front row at a Boyzone concert.
I am a 30 year old looking for someone who is a bit special. I am Danish but have lived in England for a while now. I am 6 foot 4, of medium build, have blue eyes and brown hair. I work in central London. I have a wicked sense of humour, am outgoing and love just having a laugh though I do have a serious side too. My interests are sports, socialising, travelling and reading about history.
Now what I am looking for:
You will be between 24 and 30, be able to hold a conversation but not talk when the footie is on the tele
. You will be a caring, loving person who is also intelligent and witty. I am not fussed about hair colour, eye colour etc but I prefer white woman.So if you liked the joke and want to hear plenty more send me a mail
has anyone lost a roll of $50 dollar notes with a rubber band around them?
Sourced: Gumtree Sydney
I HAVE FOUND YOUR RUBBER BAND.
My horrible date
Sourced: Gumtree London
so i was waiting for a woman i had met online, on the gumtree of course, for drinks one evening in the city. she was late. i sat nervously, looking around me. maybe she was here already and spying on me. i hate that. which one was she? where would i sit if i were doing the same? but then she walked in. i instantly recognized her, and she, me. she walked up, smiling, offered me her hand and said, "im claire. sorry im lat. busy week at the office; im an accountant and this is the worst..."
i gabbed her arm firmly, pulled her down to her seat and hissed in her ear. "claire, we are surrounded by strangers! dont you think you could be a little more discreet?" she was puzzled, or pretended to be. so i explained how foolish it was to tell me, a stranger, what she did for a living, not to mention advertising it to the whole bar. and, i remember thinking to myself, not to mention the creepiness of such an inappropriate personal disclosure upon first meeting. what next? a description of her last orgasm? i shuddered inside.
we ordered some drinks and talked. i whispered with the appropriate caution; her conversational tone struck me as a bit too likely to be overheard, but i smiled and tried to ignore it. i felt sorry for her. id walk her to her car later to make sure no one followed her. she continued to offer intimate information, and to ask questions that made me feel uneasy. "do you have any brothers or sisters?". i vaguely alluded to sublings, but not to their genders, or even whether they were still alive. i do have siblings, but i have to protect them too. "what part of town do you live in?". i tried to stay calm. how could she ask that? was she a stalker? or just trying to gauge my wealth by my section of town? i felt like a hunted fox and a piece of meat, all at the same time. i felt bad about lying about what area i lived in. but what could i do?
then came the killer question.
those four awful words that revealed her for the person that she really was: WHAT...DO...YOU...DO? now at least i knew i would never go out on another date with this money grubbing whore again, who would risk my life by asking such a question in a public venue. i excused myself to go to the bathroom. discreetly paid the bill then snuck out the back way.
I moved to a different apartment that weekend. Just as a precaution.
Unusual Role-Play Fantasy
Sourced: Gumtree London
Hi there, I am trying to find a girl who is interested in role-playing. Basically my fantasy involves a girl coming over to my place, dressing up as bottle of talcum powder (costume provided) and letting me throw shoelaces at her from a large ladder. This will continue for one to two hours or until I run out of shoelaces. During the meeting feel free to speak to me, although be aware that I am unlikely to answer and will probably try and throw the shoelaces into your mouth when you do. There is nothing overtly sexual about the encounter and the only people there will be you, me and possibly my miniature falabella horse, Jub-Jub. After that you are free to leave and if you have enjoyed the experience we can arrange another date. If it really goes well I will let you keep all of the shoelaces that landed directly in your mouth. Sound good? Then get in contact.
Look forward to hearing from you
Regards
Ulrich
Poker Addict
Pegasus